


Sweater Weather

by em_etif



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Song fic, i love this song hhhh, im not gonna do the entirety of the song just certain parts of it, sort of a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 15:07:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19814818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_etif/pseuds/em_etif
Summary: The things that haunt Jeremy:the voicesthe scarsthe thoughtsthe memoriesthe peoplethe facesand michael.





	Sweater Weather

**Author's Note:**

> ive never written a songfic before, so enjoy! it can be a bittt of a vent fic in some parts throughout the chapters but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

> _“All I am is a man”_

He still gets nightmares. Memories and hauntings. Deja Vu or even a word muttered that’ll trigger an alarm in his head. Some days fly by, while others can’t seem to end soon enough. Each minute barely passes, the seconds ticking and echoing in Jeremy’s head. That is where it all starts: his head. The long, narrow, scary and dark path-- its jagged and dangerous branches reaching out to grab Jeremy and hold on. Hold on until he can break free from it. From them. From the voices.

> _“I want the world in my hands”_

Jeremy was so desperate to be seen, to be known. He wanted his life to be easy and simple, wanted everything to be handed to him; like life-changing choices already chosen for him, or a scholarship to the college he could only dream of getting accepted to. Like friends and anxiety enduring disisions. Like Christine.The pressure and guilt he felt for even existing-- he wanted it to just go away. That’s why he got it in the first place. That’s why he swallowed the damn thing. That’s why he ruined his life and so many others in the process. 

Sometimes it would be easier to end everything. Sure, it had been months since it was over. The fall play ended with a bang and Jeremy and the rest of his ‘friends’ finished the school year. He _had_ friends now. He was seen. He realized the girl of his dreams wasn't exactly the girl of his dreams, but more of one of the best friends he could ask for. Though, none of them know about his sleepless nights. 

None of them know about the thoughts, the ringing, the static. Only Rich, though he never finished the school year in class. No one knew about the scars that traced his back, or the deathwishes he sent to himself every single fucking day after seeing a razor or a knife or even a building taller than five stories. No one heard the voices that came back to bounce around in his head, engraving words of discouragement in his mind while whispering mantras until they burned in his ears. The whispers, the irrelevant things that made his heart race and skin jump. Phantom shocks and headaches galore. The constant beatdown on why it's useless to exist anymore if this was all he was going to ever hear. It’s not like it would ever get better. He can't just forget about them. They are apart of him now, so why not just get rid of everything as a whole? Make life for others a whole lot easier.

But then, there's nights like these when he forgets. Nights like these when he gets distracted. It was early July-- July Fourth, to be exact. School had just ended, so Michael and Jeremy had all night to waste, maybe even just stay until the sun rose. They had taken the subway down to Long Branch to watch the fireworks on the beach.

> _“I hate the beach”_

The sand was cold on Jeremy’s bare feet, sneaking between his toes and slightly chilling him, reminding Jeremy of the tingles, the after effects of-- though Michaels steady warmth besides him as they sat next to each other grounded him. It kept him tethered to the core of the earth, seating him comfortably in the sand.

Jeremy hated the sand. He hated how after you stood up, wherever the sand was touching made your skin all dusty and strangely… clammy? Was that the right word for it? How it held the cold and absorbed the heat, and how it was ever changing, always on the move. Jeremy didn’t like change. He didn’t like how if he left and came back tomorrow, that exact sand mound would be gone, blown away by the wind. 

There’s the intrusive thoughts again. This was supposed to be about why Jeremy second guessed his suicidal tendencies, not bring them forth. The first firework was launched, and a chorus of other people cheered. It was pretty at first; the glittering trail of light raising higher and higher, up and up and up into the sky until it exploded and blew into millions of little pieces, but then the _boom_ of the explosion echoed all around him, and Jeremy suddenly felt his heart in his chest. He could feel his stomach sink, and in his head, he subconsciously replayed every moment in his life with a similar sound effect. Getting slammed into lockers, Two or a few car crashes he had been in, him hitting his head as he fell to the floor while it… activated. Suddenly, Jeremy felt something warm slide over his head and muting the noises around him. Muting his voices, his thoughts.

> _“But I stand in California with my toes in the sand”_

Jeremy looked over to Michael, realizing he had taken off his headphones and put them on Jeremy. He had the music on full blast, and the noise cancelling option turned on. If you were to listen closely, you could barely hear the muffled cheers and booms from the others on the beach and the fireworks combusting in the sky, but music replaced the anxiety, the panic, and gave Jeremy a sense of calm. Michael had redirected his attention to the fireworks in the sky, but Jeremy remain focused on Michael. His slight smile and soft features, the sparkling colors of the fireworks reflecting in his eyes and glasses.

That's right, it was nights like these-- _moments_ like these-- that made life worth living. It was Michael that made life worth living. Jeremy turned back to the show that lit up the dark sky, vivid colors and smoke dancing in the air and illuminating the night.

**Author's Note:**

> btw i split the “i hate the beach” and “but i stand in california with my toes in the sand” on purpose :)
> 
> i wanted to show how he may hate being there, being with his thoughts in moments like that, but he is there anyway and michael is there grounding him and being an absolute beauty bc. angel.


End file.
